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Grimes says her training regimen involves swords, eye surgery, interdimensional travel

Photo: PYMCA (Getty Images)

Art-pop wunderkind Grimes is being weird again, though, it should be said, we much prefer Grimes being weird to anything revolving around her relationships with either Elon Musk or Azealia Banks. No, this time the Art Angels artist is detailing her training regimen, which appears to contain as much trolling as it does truths. Regardless, it is very, very funny.

Per Business Insider, Grimes is teaming with Adidas for an advertising campaign. As part of it, she detailed her workout schedule on Instagram, pairing it with hashtags like #createdwithadidas and #gentrifymordor. Highlights include the hours she spends in a deprivation tank, wherein she can “‘astro-glide’ to other dimensions - past, present, and future,” as well as a “sword fighting session” with trainer James Lew, who, it appears, really does teach sword fighting. Most intense, however, is the “experimental surgery” that, per the singer, “removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.” Is that friend...Elon Musk?


Chew on that as you read the full post below.

My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions - past, present, and future.

In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew, we go over the fundamentals that work the obliques, core stabilizes, and triceps as well as a few tricks. To wind down from this I spend 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout.

I then spend 45 minutes stretching before heading into the studio where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s (which is my preferred range for my blood type). I’ve outfitted my studio with the highest grade of red light. It is pretty much 1000 sqf IR Sauna.

Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes while I slow boil the honey tea that maximizes vocal proficiency.

I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.

I go to bed with a humidifier on.

Look, if it helps get Miss_Anthrop0cene, her upcoming “concept album about the anthropomorphic Goddess of climate Change,” out any quicker, we’re in full support. Scream away, Grimes!

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About the author

Randall Colburn

Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club's Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.