Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Greed is good (and totally a Libra) thanks to this stock portfolio app based on your horoscope

Photo: Alfonso Di Vincenzo/KONTROLAB /LightRocket (Getty Images)

Unless you are that nonexistent fiscally responsible 1-in-6 millennial with around $100,000 in your savings account, it’s probably pretty safe to assume your finances aren’t in tip-top shape. Sure, you could cut back on booze and fast food expenses, but real wealth generation has always resided in breaking into that cornerstone of any healthy capitalist society—the stock market. But where and how does one start building up reserves to ensure they can pay off their future fortified hellscape enclave’s protection racketeers? Do you invest in gold? Bury valuables in a secret forest location? Or, hear us out, do you trust in the cosmic machinations of your birthday?

Developed by web design company MSCHF, Bull & Moon is an app which promises to consult its database of star and planetary movements to best build you a portfolio of astrologically compatible corporate entities, which, judging from the state of global markets, sounds about as rock solid as anything else these days.

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“Is this a joke, or is this an actual investment strategy?” you ask, to which Bull & Moon’s answer appears to be a resounding “Sure.” As their six-page white paper outlines, a recent test case using “MSCHF Finance Working Group” volunteer (and, we suspect, Bull & Moon designer) Daniel Greenberg’s portfolio showed a 7.47% return versus the S&P’s paltry 1.7% profit during Q3 of 2019, so do with that as you will.

Screenshot: Bull & Moon

Our legal team advises us that it’s probably important to note we here at The A.V. Club do not officially endorse or condemn such financial strategies as Bull & Moon. That said, the author of this article may or may not be brushing up on his “rising sign” while knowing full and well there’s something particularly dystopian about a freelance writer with no real savings genuinely considering an investment strategy based upon an art-joke-marketing hybrid app. It’s almost as if the entire late capitalist financial market is a grim parody of itself based on semi-divine forces we can’t hope to truly comprehend or access...

And here we thought we had our IRA figured out after using our local, licensed haruspex.

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About the author

Andrew Paul

Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.