Pat Boone, secure in the knowledge that his mom was a lovely woman who would never stand on a chair to raise her IQ (Photo: Getty Images)

Even Gene Simmons was respectful in his tribute to late musical legend Prince yesterday, but that doesn’t mean the passing of the Purple One sparked a blissful 24-hour respite from the rantings of angry old dudes. Nope, Pat Boone is still around, and he’s making God sound like a real buzzkill as he “escalates,” as The Hollywood Reporter put it, his (self)righteous crusade against those dope-smoking hippies at Saturday Night Live.

See, according to Boone, not only is God definitely not okay with the idea that he might have had a bi-curious phase back in college, he also doesn’t appreciate it when you make those jokes about his mom’s ass requiring its own zip code. (God doesn’t even have a mom. You’re just being mean.) Here’s what Boone asked Glenn Beck (of course it was Glenn Beck) ion his radio show earlier this week:

I’d like to ask Lorne Michaels: If somebody did a funny sketch and portrayed his mother as a diseased whore, would he find that funny, or would there be some limit to what he and the show can ridicule?


Aw, snap. Disappointingly, rather than firing back that there’s no limit to how dumb and ugly Boone’s mom is, Michaels has chosen not to comment on the situation. But Mike “I’ll defend anybody” Huckabee knows that when life hands you little fibrous granules of perceived religious persecution, then you just make Metamucil out of that shit:

“I’ve been on SNL. I get it. It’s parody. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not,” the experienced parodist said. “But in essence, what SNL says is that you’re free to express an opinion if you’re in agreement with the left, and with those who run the networks and film studios, but if you disagree with them it’s hate speech that should be shut down.”


“I’m not calling for a boycott of SNL,” he continued. “I’m calling for a ‘buycott’ of the movie. Buy a ticket, see it for yourself, then see if the SNL parody is fair or mean-spirited.” See? Pulpy, profit-driven Metamucil.

On a less positive note, if all this stuff about God hating your mom jokes is true, then Wilmer Valderrama is almost certainly going to Hell. Sorry, Wilmer.