Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Give this couple running a creepy doll adoption agency their own A&E show immediately

A creepy doll that might be looking for a new home. 
A creepy doll that might be looking for a new home. 
Photo: Jean-Francois Monier/AFP (Getty Images)

The American economy is a rough one, and many of us are no stranger to odd jobs. That said, we’re not sure how desperate one must be to begin trafficking in creepy-ass dolls, at least half of whom are almost certainly possessed by evil spirits. But as Vice’s web series, Side Hustles, recently showcased, Brian and Sarah don’t appear to be in a particularly tough spot... yet the respective bartender and school psychologist have been willingly running Unsettling Toys, a “rehoming” business for terrifying dolls, for the past two years.

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“We take creepy toys from people who don’t want them and we re-home them with families who really like creepy stuff,” explains Sarah, which makes it sound as simple and innocent as “a horrendous journey through the uncanny valley of misbegotten miniature toys” can be.

Prospective customers, take note: You can’t simply click and buy whichever uncanny nightmare creature scars your soul through your computer screen—this is an adoption agency, after all. Also, Brian and Sarah aren’t trying to have a repeat of a past experience, where a customer “became uncomfortable” about their recent purchase and attempted to burn it.

But, for those willing to court eternal damnation, this cheery, adorable couple appears more than happy to chat with you and show you their selection of offerings. Each doll’s adoption fee (including shipping, mind you) varies pretty widely, but after a quick perusal of the Unsettling Toys’ website, it seems like most fall within the $35 to $100 range. Sound steep? Don’t worry, Brian and Sarah always include a certificate of adoption and placement that is sealed with a wax signet.

“Everything’s got a storypeople and dolls,” muses a very jovial Brian at one point, adding, “We’re only here in real bodies once, and I think if you find something you enjoy doing, I think you just have to give it a shot.”

Okay, you know what? We’re sold. Someone get Brian, Sarah, and their burgeoning Unsettling Toys empire a show on A&E immediately.

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).