In the most literal realization yet of his aimless coasting, aboard a vessel whose hollowness allows it to remain steadfastly buoyant, David Hasselhoff has announced David Hasselhoff: The Official World Fan Cruise, a shadowy flight into the dangerous man of a world who does not exist outside of self-promoting kitsch, followed by a crepuscular jaunt onto a water slide. Yes, do not be deceived by the other, unofficial David Hasselhoff cruises out there, which have shanghaied many a Knight Rider fan into hauling spice to and from the West Indies. This is the only cruise that is officially endorsed by and featuring David Hasselhoff, who lends his name and face to naught but the hardiest watercraft and cell phone case.
Setting sail on November 4 while, one assumes, Hasselhoff makes a “Casting Hoff!” joke, then finally docking six pun-filled days later, the Hasselhoff Cruise will take wayfarers on a scenic route along the Mediterranean Sea, a region with special significance to Hasselhoff by dint of its also existing on Earth. But don’t worry about getting bored with those decidedly non-syndicated vistas. In addition to the views of the French, Italian, and Spanish coastlines—as well as the rafts of migrants vying desperately to escape to a better life, so they can maybe one day eat shrimp cocktail in the vicinity of David Hasselhoff—the cruise offers plenty of activities to keep you occupied. Specifically, occupied with paying constant tribute to David Hasselhoff, lest you find yourself tossed over the side for your mutinous moments of inattention.
According to the cruise’s official Facebook page, this unique and unforgettable dive into the briny depths of one man’s ego includes exclusive events like a live David Hasselhoff concert, of the sort typically reserved for the lucky passengers aboard the nation-sized cruise ship that is Germany. There’s also the “David In Person”—an event the page boasts is in the ship’s “large theater”—where the press release says Hasselhoff “will screen the best scenes of his movies and give fans the chance to ask personal questions,” once the 20 seconds it takes to show Adam Sandler farting in his face has elapsed. Those personal questions can presumably be about anything you want, so long as they are not about the decades he’s spent drowning in debt while literally rearranging the deck chairs, to the point where he’s now captained both this and an “EDM cruise.” Or whether David Hasselhoff, too, ever hears the siren song of the ocean, mother to us all, calling us home to her dark bosom to rest—to cease beating our arms futilely against the cruel and relentless currents, to sink and rest at last. To answer your question, Pamela Anderson was a lot of fun to work with.
Hasselhoff has also graciously agreed to an autograph session, and what’s more, to graciously not fling himself over the railing at first light. No, “David is on board with you for the duration of the cruise,” meaning you never know when you might run into him, or what the actual entertainment value of that encounter might be, or whether the novelty will quickly wear off and leave you wondering whether that’s really all there is to it—an experience that is typically limited to the production studios of SyFy movies, but which you can now have yourself for the low price of €599 ($677) per person. Already the manifest has begun filling up with as many as 14 guests confirmed; let us book now and join them. Who knows when we’ll get another chance to indulge David Hasselhoff’s vanity, on a boat this time?