Rampage: Capital Punishment

There are a lot of online fundraising campaigns out there, but rarely do you get to combine the rich snark potential of the potato salad Kickstarter with the uselessness of the NoPhone. That opportunity has come along with Rampage 3: No Mercy, a new campaign to finish the latest movie by Uwe Boll, a director who has been on the receiving end of petitions to stop him from ever making another movie and literal punches in the face from critics. With that reputation—and the fact that he’s speaking truth to power, man, by adding a political edge to his terrible movies—it’s not terribly surprising that Boll has had trouble raising money for his recent projects. In 2013, he asked the internet to help him fund Postal 2, his attempt to create the “most offensive movie of all time” since the last time he made “most offensive movie of all time.” Despite a charming campaign video in which Boll expressed his desire to rape Heidi Klum, the Kickstarter campaign failed for some reason, raising only $29,997 of its $500,000 goal.

But, like bedbugs, it’s extremely difficult to get rid of Uwe Boll once he’s burrowed into your film industry. Yesterday Boll launched a Kickstarter campaign for his new movie, Rampage 3: No Mercy, about a “politically motivated mass murderer” who, having kicked the system right in the nuts by slaughtering a bunch of random people in the last two movies, “will bring the fight to the President of the United States of America.” The press release announcing the Kickstarter promises that “Not only is it an exciting action film, but it also will comment on current events within America in the way that only Uwe Boll can.” (The press release also says that Rampage 3: No Mercy “surpasses the previous two films in quality,” for what that’s worth.)

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Perhaps learning his lesson from last time, this time around Boll is asking for $50,000, one-tenth of his previous goal. With that in mind, the press release’s triumphant headline of, “Uwe Boll’s Kickstarter over 10 percent funded in first day!,” becomes kind of sad, but there’s still time for Boll to succeed. (Should he exceed his goal, he’ll presumably film another version of Rampage 3, this one with an overweight female protagonist, simultaneously on the same sets.) So here is a partial list of things you can do with your money besides giving it to Uwe Boll:

-Buy a computer and use it to torrent Uwe Boll’s movies to spite him

-Make your own movie in which Uwe Boll gets eaten by giant rats

-Fly to Vancouver, find Uwe Boll’s house, leave a flaming bag of poo on his doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run away

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-Save for retirement maybe

If you insist on supporting the Kickstarter anyway, rewards include dinner with Boll (€500), a role as an extra in the film, (€1,000), a role as a cop in the film (€3,000), and a speaking part in the film (€5,000), plus the usual signed DVD kind of stuff.