Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Get Involved, Internet: Help rename Columbus, Ohio "Flavortown"

Illustration for article titled Get Involved, Internet: Help rename Columbus, Ohio Flavortown
Photo: Albert L. Ortega (Getty Images)

Christopher Columbus, once beloved, is now rightly recognized as the genocidal monster he was. And Guy Fieri, once despised, is now rightly recognized as the benevolent food mayor he is. It makes some amount of sense, then, that tens of thousands would flock to this petition that aims to rechristen Columbus, Ohio “Flavortown,” thus finally offering permanence to what, until now, has only been a beautiful idea.

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The new name is twofold,” reads a statement accompanying the petition. “For one, it honors Central Ohio’s proud heritage as a culinary crossroads and one of the nation’s largest test markets for the food industry. Secondly, cheflebrity Guy Fieri was born in Columbus, so naming the city in honor of him (he’s such a good dude, really) would be superior to its current nomenclature.”

We’ve highlighted Fieri’s charity work a few times in the past, but just over the last few months he’s helped raise more than $22 million for restaurant workers impacted by the pandemic. “That kind of optimism and charitable work embodies more of what Columbus, Ohio, is about rather than the tarnished legacy of Christopher Columbus,” Tyler Woodbridge, the petition’s creator, told CNN.

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Lending their voice to the movement is Bud Light, who have promised free Bud Light Seltzer for all should the name change occur.

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But Fieri, in our dreams, would respond by banning all Bud Light from Flavortown, flexing his newfound power—he instantly replaces Mayor Andrew Ginther in this scenario—to instead serve glasses of his Hunt & Ryde wine with a side of double-fried french fries and donkey sauce. Whether that sounds like a dream or a nightmare is up to you; not just anybody can hack it in Flavortown.

The petition is up to nearly 60,000 of its goal of 75,000 signatures, meaning your John Hancock could be the one to tip it over the edge. Sign it here.

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Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club's Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.

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