Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Get Involved, Idiots: Uwe Boll wants your $500,000 so he can rape Heidi Klum

Illustration for article titled Get Involved, Idiots: Uwe Boll wants your $500,000 so he can rape Heidi Klum

Much as Uwe Boll’s movies are a searing, provocative satire of the very idea of movies—from the idiots who would ensure their competent execution to the idiots who idiotically demand they be watchable—Boll’s methods of financing those movies can also be read as social commentary, specifically on the idiotic loopholes of German tax laws that give him the money to make his idiotic movies for idiots. So it’s perhaps inevitable that a man so dedicated to mocking the audience for whom he feels such contempt would eventually turn to Kickstarter, where he can more directly implicate them in the production of Postal 2, thus making the point that the entire movie business is terrible and also something about Osama Bin Laden.

Unfortunately, Boll’s campaign to create “the most offensive film of all time”—which is a sequel to his 2008 attempt to create the most offensive film of all time—has hit a slight snag in the form of no one being certain whether it is a joke. Or perhaps realizing it is a joke, but in the way that watching a couple of terrorists bicker before they crash into the World Trade Center is a “joke.” Or, as Boll complains to The Hollywood Reporter, believing that’s the sort of joke well worth revisiting, but not having any money to make it happen, because you’re the kind of person who would find that funny.

“A lot of the Postal fans don't have the maximum amount of money. They can't send $100 over. 90 percent of the Postal fans are illegal movie downloaders who never pay to watch a movie,” Boll laments of his indigent and uncaring fan base, whom he somehow attracted with a movie where Verne Troyer gets raped by monkeys.


Naturally, despite only getting $58,099 of his $500,000 goal so far, Boll intends to keep going regardless of rationale. He’s still holding out for investors who see no problem in financing a movie he just said nobody will pay for, and which Boll also says quite plainly he doesn’t want to invest his own money in. So he plans to continue to make public appeals for your assistance in helping him confront his core audience of people with terrible personalities and “open their minds,” through jokes about things like the NSA, Duck Dynasty, gun laws, the government cover-up of Osama bin Laden's death, Honey Boo Boo, and Dr. Drew—all of which are things that will actually appear in an actual movie, rather than just the rambling Facebook feed of your angry uncle.

By pitting them against his movie's hero "the Postal Dude" (and his "10 kids, all retarded"), Boll believes he can solve the world’s problems, by forcing it to face harsh, incoherent truths likeSeptember 11 didn't count because Mohammad Atta took the same steroids as Lance Armstrong. But he never lied about it” and other hilarious jokes that you can pay for, right now.

Or, as Boll more aptly sums up the project in the video below, “I always wanted to rape Heidi Klum, so why not?” Indeed, pledge $10,000 or more and you could “direct a scenes [sic] of Postal you write,” and then you could similarly rape anyone you want.

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