As anyone who will never, ever get the theme song to Milton Bradley’s Crossfire commercial out of their heads—“You’ll get caught up in the! Cross-fire!”—well knows, most TV commercials for board games tend to depict someone eventually winning the game in question. (Even though, when it comes to stuff like Monopoly, that’s a purely theoretical outcome.) The victories aren’t evenly distributed, either, at least according to anecdotal evidence; the old kids’ consumer magazine Zillions once ran an informal study where they tracked which smug little shits ended up on top in the average board game commercial, and it was almost always boys triumphing over girls—as though there’s some sort of measurable sexual dimorphism when it comes to Don’t Wake Daddy.
Inspired by that long-ago-glimpsed report, comedian John Field put together the above YouTube video, showing the sheer number of awful, gloating, relentlessly Caucasian and male winners of the great board game wars, in all their Brandon, Carter, and Scott-ish glory. Field’s video is equal parts nostalgia trip and cringe deluge; every time one of these little future entitlement monsters pumps his arms in the air to celebrate his script-ordained victory, we can just imagine a generation of kids watching him and wondering “Why the fuck does this little asswipe get to fire off the Mouse Trap, huh?” On the plus side, we can only hope that all the little girls in these commercials—“Sweetie, can you look more defeated by Jordan’s total supremacy, please?”—used the experience in order to grow up and regularly kick the shit out of lousy dudes.