George Clooney, you may have noticed, has it pretty good. At this point in his career he seems content to put out one modestly successful movie per year, sling some luxury instant-coffee on TV, and hang out in Italy with his brilliant civil-rights attorney wife. Oh, and he sold his vanity tequila label for literally a billion goddamn dollars. With all that in mind, one imagines it’d take quite a bit to get Clooney off the bespoke Italian leather sofa in Lake Como. Unfortunately, as a recent U.N. report on biodiversity has confirmed, it turns out the entirety of the planet is quickly dying. And that means that George Clooney has to put down his home-brewed espresso, head over to Jimmy Kimmel Live!, and tell the people with the power to do something about it to stop being such dumbfucks about science and everything else.
“Rampant dumbfuckery now threatens our health, our security, and our planet,” explains Clooney in the clip above. “Fortunately there is hope: at United to Defeat Untruthful Misinformation and Support Science—UDUMASS.”
With a small donation to UDUMASS, people can help combat the epidemic of “dumb fucking idiots saying dumb fucking shit.” A $20 donation can convince one idiot of the truth behind climate change, $50 to vaccinate their kids, and $200 that dinosaurs existed, “but not at the same time as people.”
Sadly UDUMASS is not real, and the associated phone number leads to “Santa’s Naughty Or Nice Hotline”—multiple phone-number-related Kimmel bits ago. Worse, the only way our dumbfuck president, let’s say just for example, is ever going to watch a minute of Jimmy Kimmel Live! is if he accidentally sits on the remote. Still, while it may be too late to save our planet from burning, it is nice to have someone as handsome as George Clooney on our side.