Searching for a way to get mothers interested in Downton Abbey, ITV has hit upon the idea of inviting George Clooney to make an appearance, possibly while holding up articles about the royal baby. Clooney will cameo in a short “Downton Abbey-related” film to air around the holidays as part of the network’s annual Text Santa campaign, which raises money for various charities through the traditional British method—brief comedy sketches and having people text Santa pictures of their dongs. (British Santa does enjoy a good ribald dong!)
“Oh Father, I suppose I am consigned to spend the rest of my life in spinsterhood, for no man shall marry me,” Lady Edith will sigh, as Lord Grantham pulls out every old letter he can find and pretends to be engrossed in their myriad catastrophes all over again. “Mm, typhoid!” he’ll hum contentedly.
Suddenly, there is a knock at the door: “Hello, I’m a handsome, independently wealthy bachelor from America who’s passing through on holiday, while also entertaining the idea of marriage, should I find myself taken with someone,” Clooney will say. “Might I use your loo?”
“Certainly not!” Carson will harrumph, harrumphing the door closed.
“Merry Christmas, Edith!” the entire Downton household will exclaim, upending a chamber pot on her head. “Now you’re the Queen!” They laugh and laugh, for the holidays are a jolly time.
Or something like that. It doesn’t matter, because it’s for charity.