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Geopolitical checkmate: Iran might have a bloodthirsty communist dolphin squadron at their disposal

Photo: vdorse (Getty Images)

Last week we nearly found ourselves staring down World War III because our president wanted to ensure a couple more chickenshit chickenhawk Republicans save his ass during his upcoming impeachment trial. Thankfully, it appears Armageddon has been staved off for at least another news cycle, so while we continue to dissect exactly why Donald thought this plan would go swimmingly, new evidence is emerging that the disaster we so narrowly avoided could have been even more grave than we initially thought.

See, per a new post from Military.com, Iran might have have an army of killer communist dolphins at their disposal, and we’ve all just been sitting on our asses doing nothing about it.

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As this brief write-up explains, in 2000, the Islamic Republic of Iran acquired a team of Soviet dolphins which at one time had been specially trained to fight on behalf of Mother Russia. These aquatic mammalian killing machines were apparently being taught to differentiate the sonar differences between American and Russian warships in order to suicide bomb their enemies. Oh, and also how to kill divers by ramming into them with harpoons strapped to their backs.

Anyways, after the USSR collapsed and funds for the murder dolphins dried up, Boris Zhurid—their trainer with a name so Russian it sounds like we just made it up on the spot—sold his beloved super-soldiers to Iran in order to save their lives. “If I were a sadist, then I could have remained in Sevastopol...But I cannot bear to see my animals starve...We’re out of medicine, which costs thousands of dollars, and have no more fish or food supplements,” Zhurid told the Russian newspaper, Komsomolskaya Pravda, at the time.

The Military.com article takes care to note dolphins can live to be up to the age of 50, so it’s possible some of these very same animals could still be alive, well, and hungry for capitalist blood. And, even if they aren’t still among us, there’s no way of knowing for sure if Iran hasn’t since trained an entire fleet of Ayatollah attack dolphins hellbent on our demise.

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“I am prepared to go to Allah, or even to the devil, as long as my animals will be OK there,” said Zhurid in his past interview—another instance of something so Russian it sounds like we faked it.

Maybe sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads aren’t so far-fetched?

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About the author

Andrew Paul

Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.