Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Gene Simmons has written a how-to book for becoming rich and unpleasant

Gene Simmons understands a thing or two about hard work. He came to this country, learned the language, worked diligently, and amassed considerable wealth. Gene Simmons also knows a thing or two about being an insufferable prick. He’s proudly defended Donald Sterling and Mel Gibson, observing that if you’re being an unmitigated asshole in private, people should be cool about it. Not so cool? Putzes battling clinical depression who need to shut up already.

Having perfected a toiling, shamelessly self-promoting, opinionated asshole formula for success, Simmons has now published his findings in the concisely titled Me, Inc.: Build An Army Of One, Unleash Your Inner Rock God, Win In Life And Business. Humbly referring to his instruction manual for prospective rich assholes as “my own bible,” Simmons shared some key points from it in an interview with Salon’s Erin Keane.


Simmons spoke at length with Keane about the importance of a particular chapter, “Speak English,” which doubles as the title of his 2014 press tour. He argues that non-English speakers are viewed as “idiots” doomed to “wrap fish” and pick up Simmons’ garbage, while explaining that he’s an outsider who “doesn’t have a horse in this race.” He’s completely unmotivated, aside from needing to move copies of Me, Inc.

English-speakers aren’t off the hook, though. As the frontman for KISS, he wants to rock and roll all night and party every day. But for you? Work hard, forget vacations, and don’t even think about day-partying with drugs or alcohol. Passing enjoyments like drugs, alcohol and familial love are just distracting us from what’s really important: making racks on racks.

Possibly sensing that it wasn’t a true Gene Simmons interview without some disorienting, sexist talking points, Simmons proclaimed that Salon was a ladies magazines because it’s called Salon and “men don’t say that word.” He also mistakenly refers to his chapter titled “Women Entrepreneurs” as “Lady Entrepreneurs,” suggesting an argument with his editor that ended with Simmons snapping, “Fine, you call them whatever you want in the book, but men don’t say that word.” At least it wasn’t “Princess Entrepreneurs.”

Simmons finished the performance by barreling through a medley of his signature asshole comments, including our own complicity in creating an Orwellian police-state, how file sharing killed iconic rock bands, and an imperative to “get off your fat ass.”


Bookstore employees everywhere are presumably already cringing as they are forced to determine the best section for stocking Me, Inc.: Build An Army Of One, Unleash Your Inner Rock God, Win In Life And Business. The book jacket suggests military history, new-age religion, music, financial advice, or that discount shelf by the entrance with a very relaxed shoplifting policy.

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