In case you, a wise person, are not paying attention to social media, you may not have noticed that it’s Valentine’s Day. Now, whether you’re single by choice, dutifully swiping through Tinder, or merely an incel, you might not have a special someone to share this holiest of corporate holidays with–and that’s okay! For those lonely hearts, The Mountain from Game Of Thrones is here to gently seduce you with some charming Westeros-inspired love poems submitted by users on the SodaStream social channel–because nothing says “I love you” like a hulking, shirtless, tattooed man stumping for a fizzy water machine.
The Mountain (aka Hafþór ‘Thor’ Júlíus Björnsson–a thing I definitely did not have to copy and paste) may be a gigantic, murderous maniac on Game Of Thrones, but in real life he is a big sweet bear who is fond of reciting romantic poems. And should you struggle with comprehending his accent (or if you’ve been blinded by the sight of his hot shirtless bod), the nice folks at SodaStream have generously provided subtitles so you can fully appreciate the stunning words of brilliant poets such as “thiccboi3000” and “Kate,” who writes, “Blood is red, bruises are blue. Treat Kate like a queen or I will crush you.”