(Photo: Barry Brechiesen/Getty Images)

It’s a sad fact of the human condition that we can’t split our hearts (or our hates), and let them reside in two places at once. And so we are torn, dear readers, absolutely torn to learn that Fox News has declared open war on the Red Hot Chili Peppers, devoting two segments over the last week to host Greg Gutfeld’s vitriolic hate of the Flea-bassing group.

Gutfeld originally opened fire on the band after said bassist had a jam session with Koko the gorilla, calling it “a vast improvement over the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the worst band on the planet.” He followed it up a few days later, launching a faux apology before updating his comments to call them “the worst band in the universe,” instead.

You can see our dilemma here, right? On the one hand, Gutfeld is a ridiculous blowhard, and Fox News a corrupt engine designed to lure people away from their better impulses and into a world where human action is dictated by greed, self-interest, and, above all, fear. On the other hand, squonk-a-donk-a-fly.

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Bizarrely, Gutfeld seems to have rooted his fair-and-balanced opposition to the rise of Californication solely in his love of another prominent ’90s band with a penchant for truly awful hats and hair:

“I want to explain that we live in a binary universe. You’re either a Faith No More fan, or a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. You cannot love Mike Patton and Anthony Kiedis, because they are two different people. You have to love Mike Patton, you cannot love Anthony Kiedis. So that is why the Red Hot Chili Peppers are the worst band in the universe, because Faith No More is the greatest band in the universe.”

Neither Kiedis, nor Faith No More’s Mike Patton, have commented so far on Gutfeld’s bold new RHCP/FNM dialectic, presumably because they’re both too busy squib-a-wib-a-bye, Lucy in the sky, wimp womp samurai to properly weigh in.

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[via Consequence Of Sound]