Assuaging the fears of internet-less porn hounds and everybody who profits from our continuing cultural fixation on unnaturally perfect cheekbones, Fox has announced that it’ll be the new home for Donald Trump’s Miss Universe pageant. The pretty lady parade was forced to find a new home after the presidential candidate and covert Oompa-Loompa alienated the pageant’s original host, NBC, with comments he made about people from Mexico during the announcement of his presidential bid in June. (In case you forgot—as Donald Trump has now been running successfully for president for four months, and the fabric of reality is starting to tear from the horrible strain—he pretty much said people crossing the border were rapists.)
Now, Miss Universe (and the smaller Miss USA pageant) will idly wave from the safety of Fox, apparently un-troubled by The Donald’s feud with its sister network, Fox News. (We’re just assuming that the two are still fighting, as any prolonged attempt to think about them together produces buzzing mental static that soon leads to nosebleeds and a profound sense of rising ennui.) The next iteration of Miss Universe will be crowned on December 20, with the winner—as per long-standing tradition—then being dipped in molten gold and used to decorate one of Trump’s many apartments, at least until the next time he declares bankruptcy and has to sell them off.