Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Flaxen foal Justin Bieber loses his hat (and nearly his mother) to rampaging hordes in New Zealand

Following an early-morning siege that ended in a trail of tears, broken knees (and hearts), and an enervating yearning deep within the soul of Sydney, the butter-brickle Apollo known as Justin Bieber continued to elude the world’s desperate grasp by flitting through New Zealand, where he left a similar wake of destruction. This time Bieber's own mother became collateral damage, knocked down by “hundreds of frenzied teenagers” as Bieber alighted in the Auckland Airport. Also lost in the melee: Bieber’s hat, which had the daily privilege of providing shelter to Bieber’s bangs whenever they needed to rest from the prying eyes of the madding world; it remains adrift, no doubt being cradled right this minute in the arms of a snuffling preteen girl lost in a reverie of harmless fantasy and residual Pantene. A weary-of-being-loved Bieber issued a call for peace on his Twitter account, saying, “Not happy that someone stole my hat and knocked down my mama. Come on people… I want to be able to sign and take pics and meet my fans but if you are all pushing security won't let me.” One can only hope that his pleas reach fans like New Zealand’s Tory Shaffett—who was so stunned into disbelief by a mere glimpse of the “amazing and beautiful” Bieber, she was apparently “having trouble breathing”—before they, not being able to stop themselves, unwittingly tear their idol asunder. Indeed, one hopes.


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