The shadow play of artificiality that is the Golden Globes received a much-needed dose of realness last night, as the cast of the Entourage movie that is our waking world now paid a visit to the red carpet. In addition to marking the closest the members of the film will come to the Golden Globes stage, the arrival of Vince, Turtle, E et al. was apparently a means to a more important end—specifically, the “special ending” of the film itself, which Variety reports was being slapped together at the last minute, in the wild, will-Vince-do-the-movie/won’t-Vince-do-the-movie style that has so defined the show loved by enough people to ostensibly necessitate a big-screen sequel.
And while any end to the Entourage movie will surely be embraced as special, the fact that it takes place at the Golden Globes suggests one of several possible final scenes that—at the risk of spoiling the spirit of surprise that is Entourage’s hallmark—we’ve imagined here:
Vince wins a Golden Globe for his performance in Entourage’s movie within the movie, an obvious blockbuster about a DJ who uses the power of EDM and yellow slime to lead a ravers’ revolution against the police. Vince offers a stirring acceptance speech in which he reminds everyone of the importance of the world’s guardians of freedom of expression, be they French cartoonists or slime-powered DJs. Stock footage is inserted of George Clooney winking. Vince forgets to thank Drama, and Drama’s feelings are hurt. Backstage, everyone makes fun of Drama for being old and a pussy as we slow fade to black.
Ari wins a Lifetime Achievement Award for his tireless year or whatever of running a studio and also for not being gay. After demonstrating several impressive yoga poses on stage, Ari offers a stirring acceptance speech in which he thrusts his Blackberry at various people in the crowd and says whether or not he’s had sex with them. Stock footage is inserted of George Clooney winking. Ari forgets to thank Lloyd, and Lloyd gets a dramatic outpouring in which his feelings about the years of abuse are addressed at last, in a scene that runs in a little box next to the credits while a 2 Chainz song plays.
Sloan wins a Golden Globe for Best Sloan, and E doesn’t even make it to the ceremony, because he obviously doesn’t care about their terrible relationship. Sloan gives a stirring acceptance speech in which she phones E for an hour and a half. Stock footage is inserted of George Clooney aging in time-lapse, his face slackening and turning gaunt, before his jaundiced eyelids finally, blessedly wink their last. A post-credits stinger reveals Sloan sitting atop a hillock of tuxedoed skeletons, just now getting around to that time E didn’t call her back while he was in Vegas.
Turtle is there to promote his new business, a service in which lingerie models sit on the corners of red carpets to make them more “baller” than regular red carpets. Drama spends 40 minutes making “carpet muncher” jokes while the rest of the visibly bored gang stares off into the distance, not even pretending to laugh anymore. Stock footage is inserted of a clock ticking down the time necessary to technically make this a “movie.”
Some cool celebrity shit happens, like they pop off with bottles of champagne and sexy ladies, because that’s how they do, son. Stock footage is inserted of George Clooney refusing to sign a release.
Discovering which of these scenarios will actually play out requires watching the Entourage movie to completion, which is, ultimately, your decision.