Daniel Radcliffe plays the Devil (metaphorically, anyway) in Horns, confirming the suspicions of fundamentalist Christians who see through the whole “fantasy” thing and understand the Harry Potter series for the corrupting pagan influence it really is. (Don’t even get them started on yoga.) But what about believers who want to protect their children from the fiery touch of Satan’s claw, but don’t want to be shut out of the conversation on Facebook?

Salvation (Eh? Ehhh?) has arrived thanks to a self-proclaimed evangelical stay-at-home-mom named “Grace Ann,” who has taken it upon herself to re-write all the naughty, devil-worshipping parts of Harry Potter and replace them with wholesome, family-friendly (unless your family is atheist, in which case fuck you) Christian values. In Grace Ann’s version, Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry has been re-dubbed Hogwarts School Of Prayer And Miracles, and the evil Lord Voldemort is plotting to curtail Christians’ freedom of religion, something @GOPTeens has been warning us about for months. The entire text is available on FanFiction.net, but here’s an excerpt to whet your appetite:

Christians are people who want to be good,” Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”

Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.

“Well then prove it!”

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

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[via Jezebel]