Fifty Shades Of Grey has already sent fans into a frenzy with the impressive girth of its ticket sales, but even now it’s suddenly expanding, spreading wide to 75 new IMAX screens it will fill with its enormous size. Oh! Viewers had already prepared their quivering eyeholes to receive the film, moistening them with the tears of frustration that have leaked over the project’s refusal to give it the actors it desired, its clamping down hard on the graphic sex scenes, the delicious withholding of those sex scenes for a torturous 40 minutes, the pain of watching Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan engage in an entirely chemistry-free publicity tour… Ah jeez. It was the sort of torment that anyone engaging in a loving relationship would expect. But now it was being asked to put an IMAX-sized movie inside those eyeholes. Inside them! Surely it can’t fit!
But IMAX CEO Greg Foster insists it will fit, in the commandeering, sexily disregarding way of all CEOs. “It’s something I think we have to do,” Foster said to investors today at the Stifel Technology, Internet, and Media conference, biting his lip hungrily. Standing there, a huge Stifel before him, Foster demanded that his IMAX theaters take Fifty Shades and take it now, promising it would “increase our bandwidth.” Oh crap, his theaters thought. Already they could feel their band getting wide, so incredibly wide for him.
Foster said his decision was “something we’re doing literally at the last minute—suddenly, brusquely forcing his whims upon his company in the manner of all men who just take what they want when they want it, regardless of whether you’re ready, or whether it conforms to “convention.” That’s what makes it sexy.
In response to Foster’s contractual demands, Fifty Shades agreed to let itself be stretched across those IMAX screens beginning this weekend, its every frame pulled taut and begging to just be released on home video already, where people could masturbate in peace.