In accordance with a rare, actually useful congressional decision made late last year, bureaucratic grandma FCC will supplement its regularly scheduled scouring of the airwaves for errant nipples and naughty words and begin ridding our televisions of one of the true contributors to societal madness: commercials that are way too fucking loud. Yesterday the FCC adopted a mandate issued by the Senate and House known as the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act—or CALM, an acronym that must have set off so much high-fiving—which dictates that all broadcasters and cable distributors must ensure that every ad or network promo has the same average volume as the programs they accompany, even if it means hunting down the band and shooting them with buffalo tranquilizers. But before it comes to that, unfortunately, they’ll just get all of their channels to make sure that every ad complies with the rules—and double unfortunately, this may all take up to a year to implement. In the meantime, DENIS LEARY HAS SOMETHING VERY LOUD TO TELL YOU ABOUT TRUCKS.