Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Family film-creating supercomputer puts Tom Hanks and Tim Allen in movie based on Disney's Jungle Cruise ride

Disney’s master plan to convert every square inch of its theme parks into Pirates Of The Caribbean money has already landed on seeming remainders like the Enchanted Tiki Room and Jon Favreau’s “just, you know, all the rides and stuff,” so it’s somewhat surprising that the room-sized supercomputer they’ve tasked with developing all of their risk-averse algorithm-based family films has only now spit out “a live-action adaptation of the Jungle Cruise ride starring Tom Hanks and Tim Allen” on the old dot-matrix. According to Deadline, the studio will further shore up the Toy Story duo’s billion-dollar chemistry by adding in a script from Shrek writer Roger S.H. Schulman, completing the calculated-to-the-nth-degree trifecta of a guaranteed Disney blockbuster, beep boop.

There’s no word yet on a director or a story, although we’re guessing it will involve Hanks and Allen and probably some adorable moppets accidentally set adrift on the rivers of Africa, where they fall into league with a mysterious rogue ivory trader who makes brutal raids on local natives and decorates his hut with their skulls. Or maybe they run into some funny baboons and elephants that spit water right in their face. One of those. It will not, however, ever be mentioned in the same breath as Jungle 2 Jungle, unless they want Tim Allen to just walk out of this thing right now.

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