We stand on the verge of an exciting new age when the failed and fraudulent media of old will soon be exiled, punished at last for the damaging lies of “multiculturalism,” “decency,” and “facts.” Even the most precocious of 16-year-olds or president-elects can see it: The era of CNN, The New York Times, and the rest of their crumbling Fourth Estate ilk is over. We no longer have need for these professional con artists pushing their self-serving agendas; we have Donald Trump’s Twitter now. We don’t have to listen to their ill-informed, manipulative conspiracy rumblings; we have dudes on Reddit now. And we definitely don’t need 24-hour cable news channels, dedicated to filling our day with nothing but lies and more lies. America is going to be great again—we have Taylor Swift NOW!
Yesterday, AT&T, the NSA’s chief citizen surveillance arm and home to that adorable Lily, announced the impending launch of Taylor Swift NOW!, a new channel that will broadcast naught but Taylor Swift 24 hours a day, seven days per week, on its recently acquired DirecTV streaming service. Taylor Swift NOW! “will be devoted to the videos, concert performances, behind-the-scenes footage, and more from Swift’s archives,” Variety reports, a vault whose expanses stretch backwards across the vast 26 years of Swift’s existence, replayed on an infinite and unpredictable loop in which chronology has no meaning.
One moment you might be watching a fresh-faced, 16-year-old ingénue Swift playing “Teardrops On My Guitar;” the next you might be watching an older, wiser, more unnervingly angular Taylor Swift warn of “Bad Blood,” while the man elected to look after all Americans casually suggests imprisoning anyone who burns its flag. There is no fixed point within this new reality, no “facts” to trip you up. Where once she controlled only the space and time around New York, now Taylor Swift’s reach is limited only by your data package.
Now it is always Taylor Swift NOW! It has always been Taylor Swift NOW!
The impending commencement of Taylor Swift NOW! was revealed in tandem with AT&T’s announcement of its DirecTV Now packages, launching Nov. 30 with competitive pricing plans that range from $35 a month for a small collection of channels—channels that will also include the Reese Witherspoon-curated Hello Sunshine. Indeed, hello, sunshine! Long have we lingered here in the morally crepuscular, fecklessly introspective, jackoff-liberal haze of television’s so-called Golden Age. But here comes the smiling, Southern-accented sun of the dawning Blonde Age, a new epoch in which we might all come home from a hard day at the racist meme factories and relax. Not with relentless hand-wringing, but rather the ceaseless cheer provided by the “pure Aryan goddess” Swift so beloved by the hip, “alternative” white supremacists that, as Broadly reported earlier this year, believe it’s “an established fact that Taylor Swift is secretly a Nazi and is simply waiting for the time when Donald Trump makes it safe for her to come out and announce her Aryan agenda to the world. Probably, she will be betrothed to Trump’s son, and they will be crowned American royalty.”
Probably! But in the Taylor Swift Meantime, that Aryan agenda—and the “Shake It Off” video—will be included automatically with all DirecTV Now packages, which are set to roll out Taylor Swift Sometime in the next few weeks. Until then, watch as the failed, lying media flails about, picking through trifling, low-hanging fruit as a way of tamping down their encroaching dread. Taylor Swift Sad!