Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Everything you wanted to know about the Gene Simmons sex tape (but were too nauseated to ask)

In case you haven't heard—or, more likely, are actively plugging your ears and singing "Strutter" to block it out—a sex tape starring KISS bassist, Family Jewels-man, and Celebrity Apprentice castoff Gene Simmons was recently splattered all across the web like so much fake blood. In it, the epically tongued, hard-rocking icon born as Chaim Witz gets it on with an Austrian "energy drink spokesmodel" known only by the mysterious moniker "Elsa" who "loves to yodel." While you could shell out $29.95 for this indispensable piece of rock 'n' roll history at GenesSecret.com, or view portions of it on the very, very NSFW site Fleshbot, it might be safer for all involved if you just take our word for it on these highlights:

- In a letter to Valleywag.com, Simmons' lawyer confirms that the tape is real and demands they cease and desist displaying it. Oddly, he almost seems more concerned with the site's use of the "stylized printing which is the registered trademark of KISS Catalog Ltd."

- In the video, Simmons leaves his shirt on and doesn't bother taking his pants or shoes off. Has this guy got his Backstage Bettying down or what?

- As Fleshbot notes, Simmons stops to put on a condom, after which his new lady friend refuses to kiss him. Was it perhaps one of these?

- The whole thing is soundtracked, believe it or not, to Foreigner's, "I Want To Know What Love Is." (What, did Gene not have a copy of "Lick It Up" handy?)

And there you go. Off to the watercooler, you!

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