One of the cornerstones of the classic CBS situation comedy Designing Women was the tendency of lead character Julia Sugarbaker, an Atlanta interior decorator, to launch into righteous, eloquent, and impassioned tirades, often aimed at chauvinists and other ignorant bigots who had the misfortune of crossing her. The series has been gone since 1993, and Dixie Carter, the actress who inhabited the role of Julia, passed away in 2010. But the current election season has brought with it the improbable candidacy of Donald Trump, an old-school sexist who seems like he would be the perfect target of a well-crafted Sugarbaker rant. Luckily, though, a drag performer named Topher Payne, who stars in a stage show called Designing Women LIVE, does a pretty uncanny impression of the late Carter. And now, spurred to action by Trump’s antics, Designing Women creator Linda Bloodworth-Thomason has written the first new Julia Sugarbaker rant in 23 years for Payne to perform.
The topic of the rant is something Bloodworth-Thomason probably could not have gotten onto the CBS airwaves in the 1990s: Trump’s use of the word “pussy” to denote cowardice or lack of character. Ms. Sugarbaker does not take kindly to this turn of phrase, as it denigrates the female body. Payne forcefully reminds Trump that this kind of language will not go over well with Southern women, who take their femininity very seriously. Besides, the speech points out, rather than using the word “pussy” as an insult, Donald should be showing his eternal gratitude for this all-important part of women’s anatomy:
Just remember, Donald, pussy brought you into this world. As a matter of fact, pussy is responsible for bringing all human life onto this planet. Billions and billions of pussies throughout history have done this without complaint, medical care, or even comment. And if you think that’s a weak, sniveling, cowardly thing to do, well, why don’t you try pushing a nine-and-a-half-pound, writhing human being through a half-inch peep hole, and then we’ll talk. The fact is, Donald, pussy continues to prove over 363,000 times a day that it is stronger, braver, and more resilient than anything else in human existence. Here’s the bottom line: You need to do better. You need to talk better. You need to act better, especially where women are concerned.
[via Eldredge Atl]