The Internet is one of the few things that doesn’t have an organic alternative, although the second someone figures out how to sell artisanal wireless routers, they will. Brooklyn, for better or for worse, is the epicenter of the artisanal movement, offering high-quality (and high-priced) alternatives to everything from mayonnaise to beef jerky for well-heeled residents who prefer to know the name of the chicken they’re about to eat.

Comedians Eugene Mirman and H. Jon Benjamin live in Brooklyn, which means they are uniquely qualified to make fun of pompous foodie types. They’ve done so with Flotsam, “A Post-Structural Online Shopping Experience” that launched quietly during the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival over the weekend. From their mission statement, which says nothing and everything all at once:

“From a rocky perch, a figure stands watching the waves crash in eternal repetition. Is he looking for something or is he waiting for something he has already found? For a lifetime of looking, maybe nothing will come and for a lifetime of waiting, maybe nothing returns. Flotsam is dedicated to the principle that sometimes, what we seek can eventually find us. Our goal is to never know.”

Advertisement

Besides boasting a hilariously pretentious picture of Mirman and Benjamin and a Fifty Shades Of Grey quote on its “about” page, Flotsam is also a functioning online store that only sells three items: “mystery sacks” of various sizes filled with items hand-selected by Mirman and Benjamin and shipped within 6-8 weeks, “as our curation process can not be hurried.” The Medium and Large sacks are still forthcoming, presumably because the Italian grandmothers haven’t finished weaving them yet, but the $40 Small Mystery Sack is available here.