Narrowly avoiding a break in continuity that would render the whole endeavor crass and pointless, Ashton Kutcher has agreed to remain on Two And A Half Men through its tenth season, bunting comedic softballs and laughing about how "softballs" sounds like "testicles" in exchange for a big bonus added on to his current exorbitant salary. Deadline reports that Kutcher will now be earning $700,000 per episode, which is enough to buy a whole gob of spaceship trips, so Ashton Kutcher can look down upon our ineffable azure orb and marvel at its perfection and the fact that he still gets paid to entertain it. Kutcher may or may not have to save a seat for Jon Cryer, who will also remain on the show and earn a bonus but still make "a bit less" than Kutcher, with their now-35-year-old charge Angus T. Steakflower offsetting his comparably paltry $300,000 per episode with the earnings from his new railroad and baling wire enterprises. ("'Tis not a fence, unless it's a Steakflower fence!" he was recently heard to exclaim boisterously over pheasant and a pint of stout.) Anyway, this show isn't going anywhere, so the vaginas shall not triumph.

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