As confirmed by last year’s despairing BBC report, Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” was the phlegmatic death-rattle of rock ’n’ roll, the genre finally succumbing beneath a flood of “synth-driven, Auto-Tuned, four-on-the floor-influenced pop.” But don’t worry, as one of the leading, Vaseline-smeared lights of that particular brand of music, Ke$ha, has announced plans to atone for her complicity in its murder: “People say that rock ’n’ roll is dead, and it is my mission and my goal to resurrect it in the form of my pop music,” Ke~ha said while painting a turquoise lightning bolt on her face so everyone would know she was super serious.
Even before taking on the unenviable task of becoming rock’s savior, Ke≥ha cemented her place in its hallowed lineage by pointing out that she’s totally just like Bob Dylan, whose capturing of the tumultuous mood of the ’60s is an analogue to Ke§ha’s songs about partying at the houses of rich dudes. And while she acknowledges that “my first record was heavily influenced by Licensed To Ill and the Beastie Boys” for the benefit of stunted listeners oblivious to context, Ke™ha promises that her next album will have “a little bit more vulnerability” inspired by that recent Dylan cover—“more songs about vulnerability” being the key, of course, to saving rock ’n’ roll. “That's the goal. We'll see what happens,” KeΩha added, cruelly leaving rock fans hanging in the meantime.