In a 70-minute address that is widely being hailed as “presidential” by people who care more about the tenor of a speech than a month’s worth of unconstitutional, racist, regressive, and dangerous policymaking, not to mention the line-holding content of the speech itself, President Donald Trump read off a teleprompter last night. He read all of the words on the teleprompter, and they were good words, including “torch,” “trillions,” “great,” “General Motors,” and “big.” At no point did he ramble like an insecure, mentally deteriorating, reality-TV ogre, which is good: He successfully did not act like the person he is. (He did add an extra “great” to the phrase “great wall,” though. Old habits!)
Earlier in the night, MSNBC caught footage of the good boy looking at the words he was going to say, and saying them clearly, confidently, and with only a hint of confusion as to why they weren’t about The Apprentice.
You can almost hear his handlers encouraging him at the end of the shot, reassuring him that he is being the best boy, the tallest and handsomest good boy who was ever president, and that he won by the biggest margin ever. It is a uniquely inspirational short video, and so it has appropriately inspired many delighted remixes, riffs, and transcriptions.
Of course, Trump’s arm reaches far, and conspiracy theorists abound:
It evoked other great car-ride monologues of the past:
Afterward, the good boy was treated to a bowl of ice cream and allowed to watch an extra hour of cable television, where he was told once more that he had been a good boy. Experts anticipate a bump in poll numbers, at least until he finds his phone and starts tweeting again like the insecure, attention-starved, feeble-minded steak grifter he is.