Disgusted that anyone would make a disingenuous offer to charity solely in order to draw attention to himself and his own petty, ego-driven vendettas, Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million over a joke the Real Time host made on The Tonight Show, mocking Trump’s own recent offer to charity on the condition that President Obama show Donald Trump his college and passport records. Of course, in that case, Trump dutifully honored his agreement by not giving any money to any charity, after the President selfishly refused to meet the demands of self-aggrandizing businessmen with bafflingly easy access to TV cameras. As such, Trump expects Maher to comply in a similar fashion, given that the comedian challenged Trump to prove he’s not the “spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan,” and Trump complied by producing a birth certificate that lists his father as “Fred Trump” and not “An Orangutan.”

Of course, while there’s no proof that this is Trump’s real birth certificate, and most of us are still holding out for the long-form, “Not A Half-Orangutan Baby” birth certificate that all government offices require, Trump argues that he’s already fulfilled his side of what he believes constitutes a verbal contract, even if some might argue Maher’s statement was just a joke and that Donald Trump is a humorless jackass. “I don't think he was joking. He said it with venom. That was venom. That wasn't a joke. In fact, he was nervous when he said it. It was a pathetic delivery,” Trump said in a phone call to Fox & Friends, where serious legal arguments are made.


Anyway, while not even Trump is confident he’ll win his lawsuit, he says he was obligated—not just “to sue for charity,” which, unfortunately, can only get money whenever Donald Trump’s ego has been satiated. But also to prove, in a court that has nothing better to do, that Donald Trump is definitely not some senseless monkey man, driven by a laughably primitive urge to beat his chest and prove his alpha male status by repeatedly slinging his shit everywhere.