Donald Trump’s inauguration may have fewer celebrities than an episode of his reality show, apart from the ones who are there to protest. But lest you think the several Inaugural Balls scheduled for Jan. 20 will be dull, perfunctory affairs in which the president-elect humbly accepts the mantle of responsibility, then retires early to begin work on fulfilling his many promises, inaugural committee chairman Tom Barrack assures us it will be very, very sexy. In fact, Trump’s inauguration will have a “soft sensuality” befitting the peaceful transition of power between presidents, or between two women giving in to their most forbidden desires in a Playboy video, especially one that features a president.
In an interview with reporters today, Barrack dismissed the fact that—given the many celebrities who have turned down all those potential ambassadorships and awkward conversations with Scott Baio around the boiled shrimp—the ball won’t have much of a celebrity presence, insisting, “We’re fortunate in that we have the greatest celebrity in the world, which is the president-elect.” And with the world’s biggest celebrity in the room, this administration doesn’t have any need for a bunch of know-nothing celebrities: “What we’ve done instead of trying to surround him with what people consider ‘A-listers’ is we are going to surround him with the soft sensuality of the place,” Barrack says, referring to the prolonged Caligula-esque cocktease that is hanging out in a convention center with Rudy Giuliani, listening to the seductive slow jams of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
“It’s a much more poetic cadence than having a circus-like celebration that’s a coronation,” said Barrack, casting a subtle aspersion on the sort of gaudy, self-aggrandizing spectacle that Donald Trump so strenuously avoids. “It will be beautiful. The cadence of it is going to be ‘let me get back to work.’”
Unfortunately for Trump, there are at least three balls officially planned for that night—including a New York-themed “Big Apple Ball,” a phrase that is, technically, poetic—meaning Trump might have to endure several hours of praise and unfettered attention before he can finally slip back to his room, turn the lights down low, keep his shirt on, and tangle the sheets with his sweaty policymaking. But then, as Barrack says of Trump, “He really wanted it to be about the people, not about him,” and the people who worked so hard to ignore everything about him deserve the kind of celebratory, steamy yet elegant soiree not seen since Eyes Wide Shut.
The mounting of Trump’s soft, sensual balls will bring to completion Trump’s strange, erotic journey from Manhattan to Manhattan, which has seen him wrap his “soft sensuality” around at least 13 women, allegedly, as a teasing foreplay to the raw-dog fucking of America.