Ayn Randian golem Donald Trump has paused from scratching his name into the digital and physical landscape to announce a new season of Celebrity Apprentice, the NBC reality show that invites stars to compete to impress a businessman who’s driven his companies to bankruptcy four times and picks embarrassingly public fights with everyone from the President to ordinary rabble on Twitter. If they do, they win the honor of being associated with Donald Trump. If not, their time spent listening to him was just a waste, as it is for ordinary people.
Trump himself revealed this year’s lineup, in all its varying degrees of celebrity, during an appearance on Today, which was notable for the amount of time it took away from Trump tweeting. The greatest, classiest cast of people to kiss Donald Trump’s ass includes: fellow perpetually wrong person Geraldo Rivera; occasionally disgraced comedian Gilbert Gottfried; Sharknado thespian Ian Ziering; Sharknado 2 thespian Vivica A. Fox; guy who probably feels robbed that he was not in Sharknado Lorenzo Lamas; superfluous Jonas brother Kevin Jonas; Deadliest Catch captain Sig Hansen; deadliest Real Housewives stars Brandi Glanville and Kenya Moore; former talk show host Leeza Gibbons; athletes Johnny Damon, Terrell Owens, Shawn Johnson, and Jamie Anderson; and person who will serve as a constant bellwether for all of these people as to where their lives are now, Kate Gosselin.
Cosby Show star Keshia Knight Pulliam will also compete, the aging Rudy now whipped and eroded in the vortex created when the low winds of diminished opportunity meet Trump’s hot and ceaseless bloviating. All is sunken within the dust. All is lost to time and team challenges.
Trump also revealed that he plans to honor the late Joan Rivers by leaving in the two episodes where the late comedian appears as a guest advisor, as even death is no escape from having Trump put his name on you.