What are you going to do for the Oscars? Some people have parties, making predictions with friends and slowly drinking themselves into a dazzled stupor. Others watch from home, or watch passively, maybe tweeting a snarky joke or two and then moving on to watch something that doesn’t have musical in memoriam montages. There will certainly be jokes of varying quality, awards of varying merit, and speeches of varying grandiloquence. One thing is certain, though: Donald Trump, the 45th President Of The United States, will be watching every goddamn second of it.
A new piece on The Daily Beast details Trump’s sordid history with the event, one which, as an uncultured dolt, he is uniquely unqualified to criticize, but then again, when has that ever stopped him from doing something. In 2012, he was still on his “yelling from behind a desk at Trump Tower” shit, and so he delivered this earnest exhortation for someone to punch Sacha Baron Cohen in the face:
The Daily Beast notes that Trump’s beef with Cohen stems from the fact that Cohen had successfully tricked Trump on an early episode of The Ali G Show. His bizarre aside about the Vanity Fair party comes from his animosity toward the magazine’s editor in chief Graydon Carter, who memorably coined the phrase “short fingered vulgarian” about the president-to-be.
In 2013, he live-tweeted the event, and then, in an early indication of the exact way he would eventually seize the American presidency, called in to Fox And Friends, who treated him like a lovable oaf as he found the gall to criticize the set for being tacky while presumably talking into an ivory-plated Android phone:
In another harrowing bit of foreshadowing, he criticized Daniel Day Lewis’s performance in Lincoln, saying that politicians “talk with rapidity because they want to get things done.” Just like Trump himself, who has proven great at getting things done now that he is a politician.
The next year, the motherfucker was back at it, live-tweeting the whole damn thing across some 32 tweets.
Offensive comments about a woman’s appearance? Delusions of grandeur? Bizarre shoehorning of Barack Obama into the narrative? All present and accounted for.
The next year he was safely back behind his desk, where he could safely yell while still being in close proximity to a delicious Trump Tower taco bowl:
He also took to (where else?) Fox And Friends:
By this point he had rounded the corner into outright racism, saying he didn’t like that Alejandro González Iñárritu won for Birdman because he was Mexican. How will he feel this year, when half the speeches will either directly or indirectly address his neofascist qualities, his overtly racist, misogynist, and ant-LGBT policies, and probably also his shitty hair and neon orange flesh? Time will tell—perhaps his staff can keep him distracted from Twitter by placing shiny objects in front of him, like you do with an ill-tempered infant.