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Donald Trump announces U.S. withdrawal from planet’s continued habitability

(Photo: Olivier Douliery-Pool/Getty Images)

In yet another rootin’-tootin’ middle finger of American exceptionalism to the rest of the world, President Donald Trump has announced the United States’ intent to withdraw from the Paris climate accord, and with it, any commitment to the ongoing attempt to maintain planet earth as a place where life can be sustained. In its place, Trump has announced the same thing with which he plans to replace international treaties, the Affordable Health Care Act, and countless other consumer, environmental, and business regulations—namely, jack shit, soon to be replaced by a tax cut for the wealthy, presumably.

The man who once tweeted that the concept of global warming was “created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive,” has—to the surprise of no one, save his own brain approximately twelve minutes from now—decided to withdraw the country from the agreement, created in December 2015 and signed by every country save Nicaragua and Syria. Presumably, he took a look at those two countries and thought, “Yes, that is a club I would like to join,” unlike, say, the views of any sane person looking at the member list for Mar-A-Lago.


Despite appeals on the part of corporations, activists, and members of his own family, the president apparently decided that future generations of children will be better served by developing gills, and also the ability to process carbon in their lungs. Celebrating the decision will be a small group of wealthy Republican elected officials and business leaders, in additional to other people not sufficiently informed on basic science or the sustainability of the human race. Despite once appearing in a TV movie called Kathie Lee Gifford’s Celebration Of Motherhood, Trump finds the metaphorical mother Earth to be a spoiled, needy gold-digger, in need of a good old-fashioned hotboxing via chemical waste.

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