If a child can understand that, why can't you? (Photo: NBC via Getty)

Even a quarter-century after being introduced to the public, the rules for properly interacting with Steve Harvey apparently still remain inscrutable to some. When approaching Steve Harvey, should you offer your hands, palms up, so that he sees you have nothing to hide, or present a balled fist so that it seems smaller and less threatening? Does Steve Harvey prefer you tickle him first under the arms or directly on his mustache? When is the correct time to ask Steve Harvey to autograph your Steve Harvey© Suit? How would he like to hear your suggestions for Family Feud survey questions: all at once, or over the course of a leisurely afternoon? Are you allowed to be Chinese? These are questions whose answers you might reasonably assume would just be instinctual by now, and yet Apple is still forced to warn idiots not to eat the iPod Shuffle. Similarly, Steve Harvey still has to remind his staffers to kindly fuck off.

Harvey’s instructions for the proper care and handling of Steve Harvey were recently uncovered by Chicago media reporter Robert Feder, in the course of writing about the 80 or so local employees spurned by Harvey’s talk show suddenly relocating to Los Angeles. In a newly leaked memo that was issued to staff at the start of the current season, Harvey clearly outlines the circumstances under which one might interact with Steve Harvey, a scenario that can be roughly summarized as “Fuck You.”

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back.

I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.

There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.

Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.

Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.

My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me.

I want all the ambushing to stop now. That includes TV staff.

You must schedule an appointment.

I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.

Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.

I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.

Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.

I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.

If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.

Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Thank you all,

Steve Harvey

Granted, these rules may sound slightly imperious to some, or at odds with the affable, man-of-the-people persona that’s made Harvey such a staple of daytime TV and the Trump administration. But then, one has to consider that Steve Harvey is a very busy man and that people are, generally speaking, terrible. Perhaps we would all do well to remember that and adopt similar rules for each other, for the good of our own personal lives and enjoyment.

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