The universe in which Pixar’s Cars franchise exists is a strange one. It’s a world where school buses exist but the humans who would ostensibly be the purpose of such an automobile do not. It’s a place devoid of Larry The Cable Guy, yet Mater spouts his catchphrases. And now, in a twist truly worthy of a film much better than any of the Cars films, it seems that cars are quite possibly DTF. In a new post over at Movie Pilot, Trevor Norkey suggests there’s an illegitimate car child in Cars 3, fathered by hero Lightning McQueen making sweet, gear-on-gear love to another car, thereby inseminating the car eggs and spawning a baby car. If that sounds like a nightmare, remember, these cars have windshields for eyeballs.
The theory goes something like this: Twins Mia and Tia from the original film were groupies of Lightning McQueen, even “flashing” him with their lights, so it’s entirely likely that McQueen was intimate with one or the other—or both of them, and probably at the same time, as long as we’re going here. (“It would seriously surprise me if he did not hook up with his most prominent pair of groupies at least once!” Norkey proclaims, which is the kind of confidence we usually reserve for predicting U.S. presidential elections in 2016.) Cut to Cars 3, set 11 years after the original, and the film delivers repeated cuts to an excited young car who looks an awful lot like a miniature version of Mia and/or Tia. Take it away, Trevor:
If the kid was actually around 10, 11 years after Lightning hooked up with the twins, and looks a lot like a blend of Lightning McQueen and Mia or Tia, then who is to say that this kid is not the actual son of Lightning McQueen? He does seem to be an avid fan of Lightning, which could be a trait he picked up from his mother and aunt, and additionally seems pretty keen on getting Lightning’s attention, perhaps to tell him something.
Naturally, we needed some sort of visual representation of this. How do the cars fuck? Is it some sort of tailpipe-into-fuel-neck scenario? Is there heavy petting ahead of time? We weren’t sure, but thankfully, some noble person on the internet was on the case a while back:
Despite the visualization of these cars’ innards being deeply unsettling, it does leave Norkey’s question lingering: Does this baby car imply that Lightning McQueen got it on with Mia or Tia? The first commenter on Norkey’s piece quickly throws cold water all over this theory: “The car in question’s name is Maddy McGear and her mother is shown next to her in the movie so I doubt it is the love child of Lightning and Mia or Tia.” That may be true, but nowhere does it say Mia or Tia couldn’t have had some cosmetic work done, and also, we never learned their last name. Perhaps it was… McGear? So we’re going to go ahead and give this one to Norkey, if only because it would force Pixar to take a long, hard look at their anthropomorphic machines, and imagine them having long, hard intercourse.