August 18, 2016, 12:03 p.m.: Diane, I’ve just received a press release announcing the cast for an upcoming audio book titled The Secret History Of Twin Peaks. According to my observations, it’s a bit like those tie-in books that came out in the wake of the success of Twin Peaks’ original broadcast run—The Secret Diary Of Laura Palmer, for example, or Diane—Twin Peaks Tapes Of Agent Cooper. That reminds me, Diane—don’t let me forget to give you your share of the royalties from that latter audio recording. I know you’ve had your eye on a new silk blouse for a while now.

More relevant to the issue at hand, Diane, The Secret History Of Twin Peaks was written by series co-creator Mark Frost and—let me read this to you directly from the press release—it “deepens the mysteries of the iconic town.” I personally don’t see how those mysteries could get any deeper, as they’re already as deep and dark as a jumbo travel-sized mug of piping hot black coffee from the Double R Diner.

But my opinion is irrelevant. I’m sure Mr. Frost will elucidate these mysteries further in his prose, which will be read aloud by many members of the original Twin Peaks cast, including Kyle MacLachlan, Russ Tamblyn, Michael Horse, David Patrick Kelly, and Chris Mulkey. They’ll be joined by three new actors, whose names are—take careful note of this, Diane—Amy Shiels, Robert Knepper, and James Morrison. Frost himself will also lend his voice to the audiobook, which will be released on October 18.

That’s all for now, Diane. Over and out.