Has your app become impacted in its pipeline, in desperate need of a flushing cleanse composed of one part hot lemon water and three parts frothy bullshit? Then, as always, allow Gwyneth Paltrow to offer you her advice: The Steve Jobs of quinoa has signed on to be a mentor to contestants on Apple’s upcoming reality series Planet Of The Apps, which takes place in a post-apocalyptic near-future where developers compete to make mankind so complacently distracted with playing Jetpack Joyride, it never even sees the monkey revolution coming. Like its upcoming scripted series with Dr. Dre and Carpool Karaoke spinoff, Planet Of The Apps is all part of Apple’s new foray into testing the bounds of streaming original programming and gushing celebrity vanity.
Paltrow’s exciting expansion into meddling in the digital space is, according to the show’s producers Ben Silverman and Howard Owens, all thanks to her having “launched and built successful brands”—chiefly Goop, the lifestyle site that provides healthy eating tips and exorbitantly priced fashions for flabby bloggers to mock. In a statement, Paltrow acknowledged how “exhilarating, but intimidating” it can be to affix your name to things a staff of underlings curates and codes, but she adds optimistically, “This is a great opportunity to be part of a series that lets us use our experiences to help app developers break through and create viable businesses that will impact peoples’ lives.” Indeed, one day you too could be responsible for brightening the days of someone who just needs to have a good, cathartic laugh at a $15,000 dildo, then begin publicly distancing yourself from it once it’s forever branded you the Martha Stewart of pretension.
But first you’ll have to answer the open call for proposals at the show’s website, where you’ll submit a detailed description of your app alongside a video audition, to ensure you’re not one of those weird, non-telegenic software developers. Up to 100 people could be chosen to appear on the show and present their ideas—not only to Paltrow, but also to millionaire wino Gary Vaynerchuk and The Black Eyed Peas’ Will.I.Am, who’s once more taking away work from Apl.De.Ap by virtue of his i.am+ company, which specializes in making wrist-shredding smartwatches that everyone hates. All you have to do to win is design something that can live up that.