Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Despair, for the penis fish have arrived

Illustration for article titled Despair, for the penis fish have arrived
Screenshot: Kim Powell (YouTube)

Perhaps sensing that the time is right for dick monsters of all sorts to live out in the open, thousands of penis-shaped worms have been found covering a beach in northern California. Usually tucked gently away into the natural underwear of the coastal sands, the fat inkeeper worms (also known as “penis fish” for pretty obvious reasons) are flashing the world en masse after being uncovered by what scientists are calling powerful waves and what we suspect is actually a collective wish to pose for a monumental dick pic.

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Bay Nature Magazine’s Ivan Parr describes the penis fish, or Urechis caupo if you’re nasty, as “a type of spoonworm” that lives beneath the sand in “U-shaped” burrows and eat plankton and bacteria by “[exuding] a sticky mucous net from a ring of glands” that looks “like decaying jellyfish” when the tide comes in. (Fucking hot ). They measure about 10 inches—presumably a few more when safe and warm in their sandy burrows—and are eaten by “otters, flounders, sharks, rays, gulls, and humans,” especially in Korea where they’re called gaebul. This word, according to Christoper Reiger in a post sharing a few more photos and facts, translates charmingly to “dog dick.”

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While it’s a little bit unusual to see so many of the penis fish wriggling around out in the open, Bay Nature’s Instagram post helpfully points out that they’re always there, “hundreds of 10-inch, pink sausages wriggling around just a few feet under the sand.” Next time you’re relaxing on the beach, watching the waves and basking in the sunlight, spare a thought for the lonely dick worms just underneath your towel and maybe dig your toes around to give them a little bit of excitement. Who knows? Maybe, if they like you enough, they’ll let you know by poking their sticky mucous nets up out of the ground to say “hi.”

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[via The Guardian]

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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