Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Dear video game players, please figure out how food works

Illustration for article titled Dear video game players, please figure out how food works
Screenshot: Bon Appétit (YouTube)

The incredibly broad group of people who like playing video games, dubbed “gamers” by corporations eager to create a catchy marketing shorthand, are often treated with derision, even as times have changed and games are now embraced as just another aspect of the modern media landscape. Even as our culture has largely moved on from the image of all those who like games consisting of oily-skinned, badly-groomed weirdos locked in perpetual stare downs with their computer screens, though, sometimes shit still happens that reinforces the traditional stereotypes.

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In two recent cases, for example, we see a multimillionaire professional Fortnite streamer demonstrate an astounding inability to cut bread and, in an effort to cater to those like him, a UK game retailer selling a full Christmas dinner in a can for those unable to put down the controller.

The former came about when streamer Tyler “Ninja” Blevins appeared on Bon Appétit’s Back-To-Back Chef, a video series that sees guests trying to follow verbal-only cooking instructions from the professional chef just behind them.

While the fun of the show is usually just that most people aren’t as skilled at cooking as host Carla Lalli Music, the man who calls himself Ninja takes the premise to astonishing new levels of incompetency. If you don’t have time to watch the whole thing, here’s a good excerpt, tweeted by @itsroblaw, that really gets to the heart of the matter: Ninja approaches the task of cutting two slices of bread from a loaf with the kind of baffled trepidation usually reserved for situations like, say, performing amateur heart surgery.

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Later, after sawing the loaf into two horizontal wedges, Ninja is asked to cut an avocado in half. Despite being told to avoid the pit, he slices straight through it.

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In light of this, maybe we shouldn’t be too quick to judge the unholy abomination that retailer GAME calls, “Christmas Tinner.” This particular horror sees Christmas dinner staples, from turkey and potatoes to Christmas pudding and mince pies, stuffed into a can whose cross section resembles a carefully-organized array of holiday vomit.

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Also available in variants suitable for the iron-stomached vegetarian and vegan, the abomination is described in a statement from GAME (published by Metro) as “the ultimate innovation for gamers across the nation who can’t tear themselves away from their new consoles and games on Christmas Day.” Rather than worry themselves with difficult tasks like cutting bread, the dread tin offers the next best thing to that old standby of having a loved one chew up family meals and regurgitate them directly into the game player’s gaping mouth.

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Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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