The great and also terrible thing about the internet is that pretty much everybody can use it. Some people take this free access to the consciousness of the entire planet and employ it in service of improving our collective lot, creating things like like charity fundraisers, or crowd-sourced “Is this spider going to murder me and my family?” site SpiderID. (God bless you, SpiderID.) Other uses for the internet are more neutral, like fantasy sports, or slightly less neutral, like telling people all about your fantasy sports team. And some uses for the world’s most amazing communication technology, ever, fall in to what Dungeons & Dragons nerds might classify as the “lower-third” of the internet-use alignment chart, a.k.a. the spot where words like “evil” and “the devil” tend to live.
[Note: While we’re mostly just having fun with the ridiculousness of this whole situation, it’s important to note that there’s quite a bit of sexism and transphobia on display in the material we’re linking to, as well.]
Now, where FindingMyRepublicanGoddess.com—brought to our attention by a tweet from Vice’s Anna Merlan—falls on your personal ratings will, of course, vary. For instance: Do you also think feminism, GMOs, and 9/11 are insidious plots to destroy America, to the point where you need to create your own one-person dating site to meet someone who shares those ideals? Are you a straight-haired conservative lady with legally-sorted immigration status seeking to marry a tantric-fucking sexagenarian (at best) who looks kind of like a Harry Anderson cosplayer? Is your Mercury in Pisces? (Too bad! No kisses for you!)
And look: We know that the internet has no dearth of people with zero self-awareness putting it all out there for everybody to see. Yet there’s something kind of monumental about the effort “Mark” (or possibly “Reverend William,” it’s not entirely clear) has put into FindingMyRepublicanGoddess—to the point that we had to go back more than once to double-check that this wasn’t some sort of elaborate put-on by our friends over at Clickhole. The multi-level quiz that tests participants for their belief in reincarnation and their love of Donald Trump—with each question accompanied by yet more pictures of our future husband showing off his collection of unflattering shirts—is really something, as are the subsequent pages where he lays out his belief in a plan to introduce “tremendous Light” into the computer industry by developing a new and very “spiritual” IT platform, or the special exception he’ll make for any women whose parents brought them into the United States illegally against their will.
Still, though: Don’t let all this high-faluting religion and tech talk put you off, Dreamers. This dude definitely fucks, something he lays out in what we can only describe as both exhaustive, and exhausting, detail, as part of the extensive post-quiz biography. We’re going to resist the urge to post an excerpt here, mostly because we don’t want to get sued, either by a True Tantra Master, or by any of you for exposing you to this “explosion”-inducing material in public. But rest assured: Our man here loves giving pleasure, wants to make you “shimmer with Divine light,” and definitely wants to make you “explode again and again and again.” Wink, barf, repeat.
If you can reach the end of this grueling romantic gauntlet, potential Goddesses, you’ll reach your reward: A contact page for the man of your hideous waking dreams. But be warned: “This website is very popular,” so a response may take some time. Also: Dude makes his “assistant” vet all the responses, because nothing says “Are you triggered, snowflakes?” like setting up a web site that’s kind of the ultimate dick pick magnet, and then forcing someone else to look through its inbox on your behalf.