Dean Cain went from playing Lois & Clark’s Superman to charging $75 for people to watch him read Peter Strzok and Lisa Page texts. Now, despite the latter show getting a CPAC revival, the pro-Trump actor has lined up what may be his best role yet. Per a new press release from JCFilms, a “Christian film ministry,” Cain will star in Being Trump, a “political comedy” that “unveils the truth and mystery about Donald Trump’s politics” while also making our president the first man to walk on Mars.
“President Donald Trump’s Space Force program has quickly become a reality and when the first mission to MARS is introduced our President insists on being the first man to walk the red planet,” begins the synopsis before, in its second half, collapsing into grammatical and structural ruin. “However, the framers of our constitution never imagined a sitting President leaving the planet and if so, would Trump really need to transfer his powers or could he just find a look-a-like to fill in for a few days.” (A few days!)
So, Dave meets First Man. Sign us up, but we humbly ask for the following:
- Cain plays both Trump and the “look-a-like” who must serve as Trump’s replacement. There is a montage set to “It Takes Two” where Cain’s Trump humorously teaches Look-a-Like Cain how to walk and talk like Trump.
- Cain-as-Trump says, “I may be president, but I’m no Superman.” Winks at camera.
- Look-a-Like Cain arrests Hillary Clinton. Somehow.
- Kevin Sorbo plays Mike Pence, the Buzz Aldrin to Trump’s Neil Armstrong.
- Abundant references to “covfefe” and “hamberders.”
- Cain-as-Trump, standing on the surface of Mars, stares in wonder up at the stars. Softly, tenderly, he mumbles: “...it’s yuge...”
- The movie ends with a little green alien wearing a MAGA hat, waving at Trump’s spaceship as it flies back to Earth.
We’ll find out if our notes were taken when Being Trump premieres alongside the Republican National Convention this August. If that sounds like a long ways away, that’s because it is. This is an election year, after all. Time just moves slower.