After 19 seasons of hobbling faded celebrities through forcing them to perform complicated dance moves, then feeding them into the abattoir to make mediocre glue, Dancing With The Stars has announced that it has finally run out of stars. The ABC reality series revealed the cast for its 20th season this morning, a day that marked the first time in decades that Patti LaBelle and Suzanne Somers were considered “big gets.” The rest of the list is filled out with various athletes and Olympians, a model known for a single Carl’s Jr. ad, and Bruce Willis’ daughter. There is also the obnoxious guy from now-defunct party band LMFAO. No, the other one.
Here is the complete cast list, interspersed with some people we just made up. See if you can spot which ones! You can’t.
Noah Galloway: a double-amputee Iraqi War vet.
Robert Herjavec: a Canadian entrepreneur and Shark Tank judge.
Chet Clappington: inventor of that novelty hat with the hands where you pull on the string and they clap.
Patti LaBelle: Patti LaBelle.
Nastia Liukin: Olympic gymnast.
June Barnes: A crazy woman who straight-up lied to producers about playing the mom on Growing Pains and no one bothered to check.
Riker Lynch: singer in the band R5; also, one of five people who know the band R5.
Charlotte McKinney: girl in the Carl’s Jr. commercial—you know, the one with the girl wearing a bikini and eating a burger?
Michael Sam: first publicly gay player to be drafted by the NFL; first publicly gay player to be forced to go on Dancing With The Stars because he has nothing but downtime right now.
Sgt. Slaughter: The wrestler you wish were on this show; oh man, that would be awesome.
Willow Shields: played Primrose Everdeen in The Hunger Games, a character who is specifically there to not do anything.
Suzanne Somers: promoter of insane medical theories, occasional actress, master of thighs.
Rumer Willis: daughter of actual stars Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, which is close enough.
Potato Salad: The potato salad from that potato salad Kickstarter.
Redfoo: the crazy afro guy in LMFAO, that crappy band with the crazy afro guy.
Pamela From Your Work: Go Pamela!
Having officially exhausted the concept of “stardom,” Dancing With The Stars is already looking forward to its 21st season, when it will cull 12 random people from the streets and have them compete over standing very still.