Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Dancing With The Stars gives you The Guttenburg

Despite its baffling performance in the ratings, Dancing With Stars' core viewing audience is pretty much limited to sexually frustrated housewives who need a little oiled-up-Spanish-soap-star-in-a-shirtless-vest to get through the day and those pitiable interns over at The Soup. Still, all that may change after the recent announcement of the 2008 cast revealed that the ballroom dancing competition where fading celebrity goes for CPR will feature none other than Steve fucking Guttenburg. "Aw, who cares?" you say. Well, hypothetical whiny person, obviously you've missed some of The Gutt's utterly bizarre, stream-of-consciousness ramblings from the past few years, and aren't aware of Sgt. Mahoney's propensity for spewing highly entertaining non-sequiturs, like this one from a 2005 NBC press party:

I don't not work because I'm rich. I don't work because I live In Czechoslovakia. It's just such a tough commute. It's the commute that kills you. To get here for a 6 a.m. call from Czechoslovakia, I have get up at around 3. I have to go to sleep at around 6. It's the traffic over the Bermuda Triangle that's really bad. Other than that it's pretty smooth. I take side streets.

It's safe to say that if he keeps this up, we're looking at a wealth of YouTube clips that could make Marie Osmond's fainting spell look like yesterday's monkey-drinking-its-own-pee. Hail to the Guttenburg. Long may he reign.

(Oh, in case you actually give a shit, the other contestants are: Snarky radio host Adam Carolla; aforementioned oily Telemundo star Cristian De La Fuente; former American Pie "It" girl Shannon Elizabeth; mono-monikered R&B; singer Mario; Marlee Matlin, in the "Isn't she brave?" slot formerly occupied by Heather Mills; professional magician/loudmouth Penn Jillette; Elvis' child bride and Naked Gun star Priscilla "Nice beaver!" Presley; tennis champ Monica Seles; NFL Man Of The Year Jason Taylor; Hairspray (on Broadway) actress Marissa Jaret Winokur; and seems-like-a-ringer skating star Kristi Yamaguchi.)

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