Yesterday, we reported that a passel of grotesque Dickensian caricatures gathered in the House of Representatives to vote, by a margin of 217-213, to let poor people die and to punish women for the blasphemy of having a vagina, effectively putting some 24 million Americans at the perpetual risk of poverty should they fall victim to accident or debilitating disease—a monstrous display of selfishness that, by their own admission, many of them performed solely out of adherence to partisan dogma and unabashed spite, and a ghoulish, symbolic bloodletting ritual that they then commemorated by drinking Bud Light. However, we have now learned that they did not, in fact, drink Bud Light.
We hereby offer this retraction.
Amid the rush to report on the passage of a bill that removes mandates to insure people with pre-existing conditions—which now includes everything from alcoholism to sexual assault—essentially defunds Planned Parenthood, and rolls back Medicaid protections for low-income families, and cover the celebration that President Trump had subsequently organized in the Rose Garden so that he and his fellow gloating jackasses could laugh at all the people whose wellbeing they’d put into jeopardy, just to prove that they’re big, strong boys, many writers—ourselves unfortunately included—seized upon sightings reported from inside the Capitol of a cart laden with Bud Light, and we irresponsibly repeated it.
We assumed, incorrectly, that this Bud Light was intended to be the cheap swill that would briefly douse the taste of brimstone licking the throats of these pasty wraiths as they boarded a bus headed toward their feast of bones, where they would cackle over their selfish destruction of millions of lives while slapping each other on the back, the utter hollowness inside creating a reverberating, tympanic sound that was barely discernible over their thick-tongued clucking about all the blood money they would reap and the aluminum crush of beer cans against skulls.
However, it turns out the Bud Light wasn’t actually for them.
In this era of “fake news,” it’s more important than ever to not let unverified rumor or libelous insinuation get in the way of the facts of the matter, which is that a bunch of soulless, greedy, waterlogged copies of Atlas Shrugged stuffed inside ugly suits stood around the White House yesterday, laughing and jacking each other off about how they’d successfully sentenced so many of their constituents to die just so they and their cronies could get a huge tax break, but while doing so, they most definitely did not drink Bud Light.
We regret the error.