Temporarily in between court appearances, artful todger Justin Bieber was summoned last night to the court of public opinion, where—as has happened before—the verdict was a chorus of boos. In the sense that a person walking onto a stage and reading cue cards badly can be considered a surprise, Bieber was the “surprise” presenter on Fashion Rocks, that annual event where money is raised for charity by having models walk around musicians. Neither model nor musician, but some ungodly hybrid of the two, a confused Bieber reacted to the hostile noise and flashing lights as any tuxedo-clad chimpanzee would: by stripping away his clothing, baring his teeth, and flexing to intimidate potential predators.
According to CBS, who was responsible for this, Bieber also said things. “I actually don’t feel comfortable unless I’m in my Calvins. So, what’s up? Is that cool?” Bieber reportedly asked his handler, Lara Stone. Her answer was drowned out by the crowd—a mix of lusty boos and lustier shrieks—and by the lusty rustling of pants, as Bieber decided unilaterally that whatever he does is cool, as is so often the case. Bieber has recently been rumored to be the new model for Calvin Klein, suggesting that stripping to underwear that had the words “CALVIN KLEIN” emblazoned across them was possibly his way of promoting that. Subtlety: That’s what’s up.
“When you’re gonna do a show called Fashion Rocks, you gotta hear ‘Fashion’ by David Bowie. See great, uhh… And to see great fashion. Now here’s one of England’s—England’s newest sensations,” Bieber said while introducing Rita Ora, proving he’s every bit as graceful with words. He then did some lunging and grimacing, which is basically 75 percent of modeling.
Bieber later took to Twitter to share some advice his grandmother once gave him, which will also come in handy at his first, inevitable arraignment for manslaughter. It came accompanied by a Vine capturing the sound that echoes even now in Justin Bieber’s head, drowning out all others.
CBS reports that Jennifer Lopez and Nicki Minaj also performed “Booty” and “Anaconda,” respectively, while Gene Simmons closed the show with KISS, making for a night that was all about giant asses.