Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Conspiracy alert: Was Sonic the Hedgehog's disastrous initial design reveal actually intentional?

Illustration for article titled Conspiracy alert: Was iSonic the Hedgehog/is disastrous initial design reveal actually intentional?
Screenshot: Sonic The Hedgehog

Some of you might recall from your recurring nightmares that the initial rollout of Sonic The Hedgehog’s titular character was pretty disastrous, and what most assumed should have been a straightforward, three-dimensional CGI port of a pretty simple cartoon character design instead spawned the above atrocity.

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Anyway, the backlash from those remaining few of us not driven temporarily insane by those teeth was swift and effective—fans publicly wailed their lamentations and rent their garments over the design, which surprisingly, was heeded by studio execs, who quickly vowed to atone for their sins with a truer-to-source look for the speedy blue rodent. They delivered, and the film (while not great) was a big financial success. There was peace once again in the uncanny valley. But if something felt, well, odd about the whole thing, you’re not alone.

As comedian and YouTuber Steve Clark posits in a new video, we might be staring at one of the most sinister conspiracies ever perpetrated against our nation. You see, everyone knows Sonic The Hedgehog’s initial character design for the movie adaptation was a hilariously misguided blunder, but what this conspiracy theory presupposes is… maybe it wasn’t?

“I’m not a conspiracy theorist—not by any means,” Clark reminds us before launching into his conspiracy theory, which first examines standard budgets, marketing timelines, and Sonic The Hedgehog sexiness only to conclude that… well, yeah, it still could easily have been an oversight by film execs with no real knowledge of the movie’s source material or fan base.

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But! Maybe, just maybe, it’s far more convoluted and sinister than that, with Paramount craftily devising “a way for people to make funny tweets and memes about the movie, essentially working as free advertising,” all while bumping the movie from its “original” release date in November of 2019 to this past Valentine’s Day.

“As everyone knows, Sonic The Hedgehog is the most erotic of Sega characters!” Clark says, and you’ll get no argument from us.

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In the end, the film was projected to make $40 to $45 million in its opening weekend, so really the only way to judge if this conspiracy has any merit is to obviously work our way backwards and connect the dots after the fact. And, guess what? Looks like Sonic The Hedgehog made $57 million this past weekend, easily taking the record for best opening weekend for a video game adaptation.

Open your wallets your eyes, sheeple!

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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