Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Congratulations to the World's Sexiest Bald Man

Photo credits (deep breath), from left to right, starting with top row: Stanley Tucci (Jeff Spicer/Getty Images), Shemar Moore (DON EMMERT/AFP via Getty Images), Dwayne Johnson (Jean Baptiste Lacroix/Getty Images), Taye Diggs (Cindy Ord/Getty Images for TLC), Prince William (Justin Tallis - WPA Pool/Getty Images), Patrick Stewart (Emma McIntyre/Getty Images), Mark Strong (Tabatha Fireman/Getty Images), Common (Jason Mendez/Getty Images for The Town Hall), Vin Diesel (Amy Sussman/Getty Images). Not pictured: Hair.
Photo credits (deep breath), from left to right, starting with top row: Stanley Tucci (Jeff Spicer/Getty Images), Shemar Moore (DON EMMERT/AFP via Getty Images), Dwayne Johnson (Jean Baptiste Lacroix/Getty Images), Taye Diggs (Cindy Ord/Getty Images for TLC), Prince William (Justin Tallis - WPA Pool/Getty Images), Patrick Stewart (Emma McIntyre/Getty Images), Mark Strong (Tabatha Fireman/Getty Images), Common (Jason Mendez/Getty Images for The Town Hall), Vin Diesel (Amy Sussman/Getty Images). Not pictured: Hair.

Congratulations today to Prince William, the Duke Of Cambridge, as a study has found that he is, on some very specific metrics, the sexiest bald man in the world. Per the U.K.’s The Sun, William was apparently named thus via a study conducted by a cosmetic surgery firm, which found that, out of all the follicle-deficient folk on the planet, he was the one most associated with Google search terms and blog posts labeled “sexy,” “attractive,” or “hot.” According to that same report, Mike Tyson came in second, suggesting that a second, more apt title for the study could probably be the evergreen “People On Internet Not Okay.”

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Shockingly, people (including our own colleagues over at Jezebel!) have taken the news of William’s latest coronation with a certain degree of comic skepticism, naming a very wide selection of bald men who might possibly surpass the prince in the human sexiness department. But, of course, sexiness is subjective, while online measurements of sexiness are not. And so we must accept Science and its sexy, sexy verdict; better to adjust our own understanding of human sexuality—a trait that, as far as we can tell, is dependent on having enormous amounts of money, and not calling out your relatives when they say racist shit at the dinner table (unlike some ungrateful, hairy scions we could mention)—than to fly in the face of this sober and honest report. After all, when has the cosmetic surgery industry ever steered us wrong on the topic of the human appearance before?