Screenshot: Microsoft

Achievement unlocked: basic human hygiene. While rumors swirl about the specs of a potential Playstation 5, Microsoft has blown whatever Sony has planned for E3 right out of the water by announcing that the next generation of Xbox will be soap. That’s right, finally, after enduring decades without a soap to call their own, gamers at long last have just that. No more is Xbox just a gaming console—it’s now a body wash, deodorant, and body spray, and you better fucking believe it comes from the makers of Axe. (Or “Lynx”, as it’s called in Australia where it will be first released.)

You might be wondering, why do gamers need their own Xbox soap? Per The Verge, here’s Xbox business group lead for Australia/New Zealand Tania Chee: “We see Xbox fans achieve incredible things every day, and we wanted to celebrate that elevated skill, passion and determination by creating something truly special. Now, powering up can be as simple as a quick spray before you head out the door.”

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See? Makes perfect sense. So, what does Xbox smell like? Basically, various kinds of green shit. Here’s Microsoft’s product description: “Lynx Xbox is a fresh scent of pulsing green citrus, featuring top notes of kaffir lime and winter lemon, aromatic herbal middle notes of mint and sage, and woody bottom notes of patchouli and clearwood.”

It is always encouraging to have your personal body fragrance be described as “pulsing.” But while Microsoft is working hard to empower gamers to smell overwhelmingly of green body wash and spray, lots of motherfuckers on Twitter had jokes.

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Mock it all you want, but the fact of the matter is you’re just jealous that Microsoft has created a scent for having slurs yelled at you online by a prepubescent boy and didn’t make one for you. Perhaps you’ll change your tune upon the release of Axe Excel, Axe Skype for Business, or Axe Windows Server 2019.

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