Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Photo: Starz

Great news for all those couples who already possess multiple bodices, claymores, and cosmetic “sexy” poxes and boils to liven up their Diana Gabaldon-based roleplay scenarios: A Scottish land preservation company is offering free plots of land to any married couple named Claire and Jamie, in honor of Outlander’s upcoming fifth season premiere. The small pieces of land, situated on the grounds of Scotland’s Glencoe Castle, also come with honorary titles as a Lord or Lady of Glencoe, something we can only imagine will add some extra spice the next time the pseudoroyalty in question get down to the joyous business of bawdily rogering the shit out of each other all over again.

The titles are being offered to assembled Jamies and Claires by Highland Titles, a company that seeks to sell these teensy portions of land to people in order to raise funds to buy up plots of Scottish wilderness so that developers can’t buy them up, tear them down, and make the job of Outlander location scout even harder than it already is. (Also: Natural beauty, the environment, etc.) Highland Titles notes that it’s sold some 200,000 plots already, so this might be a great way to break the ice at the mead hall at your next Ren Faire; the accompanying bumper sticker, presumably nestled right next to your COEXIST-but-it’s-spelled-out-with-Star-Trek-and-Star-Wars-insignia one, and right above the one that says “My other car is historical romantic fiction with a surprisingly strong dramatic core,” will presumably help you and your fellow lords and ladies meet up. (Meanwhile, the “high quality, full color, gift folder containing documentation” can presumably be repurposed for any number of arts and crafts projects.)  

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Of course, this all relies on you and your spouse having the proper names; you’ll need to send a copy of your marriage certificates, bearing the names Jamie and Claire, to clairejamiehighland@gmail.com on February 16, the day of the show’s premiere. (And we feel moved to note at this point that neither Starz, nor the show’s production, has anything to do with this promotion whatsoever, as far as we can tell.) Couples not named Claire and Jamie are, of course, welcome to purchase their own erotic lord and ladyships on their own, or, alternatively, travel back in time to a more romantic era so that they can convince their past relatives to get their shit together and name them right this time around.

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